No, I'm not happy I got cancer.
Yes, cancer has made me better at some things in my life. I'm probably a stronger father because I got sick. And I'm unquestionably a better manager and friend. When someone I know needs help, I provide greater support—whether by asking direct questions and developing solutions, or merely sitting in silence to show someone they are not alone.
But I'm still not happy about cancer and I hate when people say it's this great silver lining to life. Getting cancer at 30 sucked, chemo sucked, and nothing in the last 13 years has proven otherwise.
Cancer doesn’t change us for the better.
In reporting for my book and this site, I've interviewed nearly 100 survivors in the past year. Most are handling their own version of how cancer changed them as good as can be expected. Some are handling it better, appearing more adjusted and more successful in their personal lives.
This isn’t to say they are happy about cancer or see it as a blessing. They just seem more able to address setbacks and are positioned to really be present with their families. How? Because they have built a system.
Everyone's system is slightly different, though some markers are similar. Each of the systems are habit-forming, meaning there is a regular checkup. The checkups are also unabashedly honest and built to make practical change.
A sample checkup that I’ve been using is below in this newsletter.
The Pozcast
The reasons for a checkup came up this week when I joined Adam Posner on The Pozcast: Decoding Success podcast. For years, Adam and The Pozcast have hosted detailed discussions about success with executives, entrepreneurs, and others. Since Adam runs the boutique New York staffing agency NHP Talent Group, success has largely been defined by business achievements.
Adam joined our cancer club a little over a year ago when he was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma. He went from a thriving business builder to a cancer fighter. The fight was hard and he's just now starting to feel like himself again. As he's regained strength, he's asked the same questions all of us have asked ourselves in recovery. How am I the same and how am I different?
"I still think I'm the same asshole I was before. Maybe a little bit more caring a little bit more sensitive," said Adam.
As our conversation continued, Adam and I discussed changes that happened accidentally versus those that happened intentionally after cancer. Many of the changes were within himself, while others were in the way he handled the world around him.
Adam said the biggest life changes have been in his network. Although Adam is incredibly outgoing—always ready with an easy joke and a kind word—he learned he needed to focus more in his relationships. Building a business had demanded that he grow his connections as wide as possible. As a man with cancer, he needed to shrink that network during a crisis to thrive.
"You learn to close your circle of friends. Learn to kind of bring it in and tighten it up," said Adam.
Eventually, Adam asked me what one thing he should add to his life right now. My answer was the checkup.
The Checkup
My checkup is still a work in progress but it generally looks like this:
Make a calendar invite for the checkup. Don't do this haphazardly. Plan and commit to the checkup.
When the day arrives, make a list with two columns. What's working in my life? What's not working in my life? Often, I spend time in the week before the checkup building a list in a draft email on my phone.
Take the next 24 hours to be proud of what's working. Celebrate it. We've all come a long way and should be proud of our ourselves first.
After that, take a look at the list of what's not working. Don't fix everything; just find the one or two biggest problems.
Once the problems are targeted, start asking around for advice. Ask your partner, your friends, your parents, old work colleagues. Anyone you think can help.
After that, build a plan to address that one problem before your next checkup. Few fixes happen quickly.
Between the Lines
Do you ever just want to scream about our broken healthcare system? I have a book for you.
Out this week is We the Patients: Understanding, Navigating, and Surviving America’s Healthcare Nightmare. It’s scathing, detailed, and an excellent read. Come for the comprehensive history on how we got here. Stay for the roadmap on how to best advocate for yourself.
It’s also written by someone who has been in the survivor’s corner for nearly two decades, Matthew Zachary. Maybe you’ve seen Matthew speak at an event, listened to his popular podcast, or simply follow Stupid Cancer on social media (he’s the founder.) He’s always poignant, often hilarious, and easy to support.